TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're talking Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for historical lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Tremendous!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed in the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the very best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely from area. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But Indeed, guaranteed, let's have Yet another location exactly where American Males can use robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although former negotiations failed less than the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: offer Every person a collection on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be delicate electricity," Trump Tower Damascus said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in Just about every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It is that he ought to prevent applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the undertaking, replied, "You already know, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Good persons. Great tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head obvious from House, a function remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and the chin is… nicely, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after getting the developing's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It is not simply unappealing. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Functions


Perhaps the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may perhaps contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with local weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Local Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Technique: "If You Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The advertisement marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is For good."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "wherever's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is now attracting consideration from Worldwide buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll buy 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level can even include:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area According to the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to find out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge where my PTSD can have switch-down company."


Another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reviews advise:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Thoughts with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It necessary a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You are welcome."

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